Dorkly Bits Season 2, Episode 7: Mario Paint Torture

White Mages are Jerks

The best defense is a crappy offense.

Mega Man Needs To Go

To be the number 1 robot, you need a place to go number 2.

Mortal Kombat Friendship

The greatest thing one friend can do for another is not murder him.

Lifeguard Mario

No holding down B in the pool area.

The Mario Bros. Go Halfsies

Sharing is caring. Unfortunately, caring won't help you much in videogames.

Mortal Kombat Pervert

Every ninja's dream: two girls at the same time.

Excitebike Shop

Overheating is radical.

Double Dragon Girlfriend

8 bit blood is thicker than 8 bit water.

Castlevania S&M

It's hard to beat a boss when he's into it.

Angry Birds Friendship

Angry birds and pigs have a lot in common. For example, neither can fly for some reason.

Sonic's Gambling Problem

What happens in Casino Night Zone stays in Casino Night Zone.

Resident Evil Roommate

This is what happens when you find a roommate on Craigslist in Raccoon City.

Crashing the Silent Protagonist Party

He was the least and most annoying bandicoot at the party.

White Mage Dad is Racist

Guess who's being randomly encountered for dinner.

The Koopa King's Speech

He's a t-t-t-t-terrifying ruler.

Metal Gear Solid Box Trouble

Rejected Sega Intros

He'd be a great voiceover artist if he didn't have to read or talk.

Everybody Hates Crono

They'll do anything to save him. As long as it's not too much work.

King Hippo Disgraces Hippo People

Cammy's Dad (Street Fighter)

If she's going to street fight, she'd better do it like a proper lady.

Chargin' Chuck Gets Picked Last

He's game ready. And really, really desperate.

The Horrible Secret Behind Starter Pokemon

This is almost as cruel as keeping them in a tiny ball.

Kazooie is Kidnapped

Living in a backpack is the least of her worries.

Final Fantasy Cover Bard

We'd use the sprites from Final Fantasy 1, but he doesn't do originals.

The Mushroom King

"Thank you, father! But our respectable suitor is in another castle.

Robotnik Breaks Down

Never buy a pre-owned drillcar.

Ken Gets Excited

He's a master of the "Hadouken" and "Waistband" technique.

Doodle Jump Fall

The higher they jump, the farther they fall. And fall. And fall.

Link's Death

Our heart containers go out to his family.

Ice Climbers Cliffhanger

He had his whole extra life ahead of him.

Mario's Horrifying Discovery

What happens in the warp zone, stays in the warp zone.

Rampage Apology

Forgive and forget. Unless they just punched through a skyscraper.

Mario With A Portal Gun

The shortest distance between two objects is a straight line. Or a portal.

Ecco's Friends Are Stupid Dolphins

They say dolphins are only slightly less intelligent than humans. And humans are pretty dumb.

Donkey Kong Doesn't Back Down

You shouldn't run away from your problems, especially if you can beat them in a fight.

Sheik Crashes a Bachelor Party

You don't need the tri-force of wisdom to realize this won't turn out well.

Noob Saibot is a Noob

He's gonna kick your ass. Right after he reads the move-list.

Angry Birds vs. Tiny Wings

Imitation is the sincerest form of ornithology.

How Blinky Died

He's got a few ghost skeletons in his closet.

Mario Goes Down The Wrong Pipe

No free coins. No extra lives. The only way out is the reset button.

Mortal Kombat Sitcom

They're going to kill you....

Captain America Uses Drugs

He's as American as apple pie injected with super steroids.

Starcraft SCVs Go On Strike

Not enough minerals? MINE THEM YOURSELF.

The Diablo Townspeople Should Move

You'd be amazed at how much living next to Hell will affect your property value.

Kung Lao's Hat is Dull

The only thing worse than having your head chopped off is having your head mostly chopped off.

Mario Meets With His Agent

He'll take you to the next level for just 10% of your coins.

Sim City Monster Hates Your City

I think we can all agree that gridlock is the real monster here.

Contra Henchman Strategy

They're not the best strategists, but they'll run at you like nobody's business.

Mario Dumps Pauline

"It's not you, it's me....and the fact that you're not a princess.

Plants vs. Zombies Wall-nut Gets Bitten

Teamwork is infectious.

If Classic Games Had DLC

Back in my day, fireflowers were only a nickel.

Link to the Past with a Portal Gun

When life gives you the Triforce, make Triforce grenades.

Sonic Meets With His Agent

The fastest thing alive meets the smoothest talker alive.

Falco Adjusts His Attitude

"Gee, I've been saved by therapy. How swell.

Ghosts 'n Goblins Blacksmith

Inbred Yoshi

His face has a lot of character. Horrible, deformed character.

Koopa Troopa Does Stand-up Comedy

Even seasoned comedians occasionally bob-omb.

Samus Meets With Her Agent

Behind every great woman there's an awful man trying to get her in a bikini.

Mega Man With a Portal Gun

Dr. Wily wants him gone.

Sonic Wasn't Fast Enough

Speed runs save lives.

Dr. Light's Gift to Mega Man X

It's better to give than to receive a terrible present.

Mortal Kombat Sitcom: Shao Kahn Comes to Dinner

Chill Penguin is Chill

He's not big on using shotgun ice, but he's always down to shotgun Natty Ice.

Tifa Embarrasses Barret

It's not the size of your gun arm that counts, it's how you use it.

Tails Can't Die

One fox, two tails, unlimited lives.

Smash Bros. Fatalities

The ESRB may have to reevaluate their rating.

Mega Man X Charges Too Much

If at first you don't succeed, destroy everything.

Judgmental Mortal Kombat

Nothing's more dangerous than stereotyping. Except maybe Goro.

A Boy and his Blob Reunion

You don't need jelly beans to transform into a productive member of society.

Luigi Wears Red

Imitation is the sincerest form of douchebaggery.

Captain Falcon Can't Get Insurance

That's the last time he'll drive while eating Falcon Lunch.

Diddy Kong Country

Player 2 has Player 1 aspirations.

NBA Lockout Jam

The only dunking he's doing involves cookies and milk.

Bahamut Wants to Hang Out

You will rue the day you summoned him.

Mistaken Hero Identities

Mario's Mushroom Mix-up

Doubling in size instantly is bad for your health.

NES Ninja Turtles Theme Song

These Dorkly boys don't cut em' no slack.

Robotnik Finally Wins

This isn't the game over he asked for.

Mario is a Furry

If you wear a raccoon tail long enough, people are gonna get the wrong idea.

The Frogger Menace

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And gigantic, car-sized frogs.

Bastion Narrator Invades Other Games

Initializing raspy voice mode...

Vision Wants to be in the Avengers Movie

You've got to draw the line somewhere. Preferably behind the badass laser robot.

Double Dragon Dad

It's called tough love. Very, very tough love.

Chrono Trigger Time Travel Mix-Up

Don't cross the (time) streams.

Mario Responds to PETA

No animals were harmed in the making of the Tanooki suit.

Link's Yard Sale

Nothing like a little Spring inventory cleaning.

Gordon Freeman Meets With His Agent

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out with your shrill, horrible voice.

Boos Man Up

Night of the living dread.

Spy Hunter Pranksters

Never trust the guy in the van.

How Diablo Destroyed Tristram

Pac-Man Plays Skyrim

Psh, you can talk to your family anytime.

QWOP Guy Has Sex

It's all in the limbs.

The Night Before Mario's Christmas

Not a creature was stirring, not even a Mouser.

It's a Wonderful Extra Life

A toast to Luigi: The richest Player 2 in town.