Road Rules Season 5, Episode 1: Hello, My Name Is...

Club Sandwiches Not Seals

My gosh - what's happened to the driver of the car that spun out of control?! Here comes an ambulance, lights flashing and siren wailing. They're pulling someone out of the car - it's Vince. He can walk - but his back hurts. The paramedics strap him onto the stretcher and slide him into the back of the ambulance. Erika runs across the track and jumps into the ambulance with Vince. Meanwhile, Tara has taken the lead away from Vince and - whoosh - she finishes first. The winner! Tara confesses she feels guilty for taking first place from Vince since he was injured. Dan privately confesses that he is very impressed with Tara's driving. And that's not all... Vince convinces the paramedics that his injuries aren't so bad - hey, I can walk just fine. Vince jumps out of the ambulance and everything is OK. Tara accepts her first place trophy and the Islands cast hits the road - good luck to everyone! Roni takes the wheel of the Winnie - now that she's driven a race car, she thinks she ca

30 min

The Blind Leading the Blessed

It's a gorgeous, sunny morning and Noah is alone in his arc, stroking his instrument. That's right baby - he's in the Winnie strumming his guitar. And guess what? He's got rhythm! The boy is musically inclined. A warm breeze sneaks in the open door and tickles Noah's bare feet - it's so nice to have a few minutes to myself. Hey now! The rest of the gang piles into the Winnebago, ending Noah's pluck-fest. But he doesn't care - it's time to hook up with THIRD EYE BLIND - a band that Noah reminds everyone has ""really made it."" The Rulers motor on over to a fancy, hush-hush hotel and track down suite number 1716. Open the door and there they are - foxy band members Brad, O'Ryan, and Flipper. Flipper? Yeah, Flipper. He's not a dolphin - he just likes using an alias. You know those lead-singer types. Flipper lays out the plan: proceeds from tomorrow night's gig will benefit a teen suicide hotline at the local crisis center and you guys need to make a PSA that will play at the concert. What's

30 min

Breaking In and Breaking Bones

Look out the window - it's nature! The kids are off to Calgary and the scenery is just beautiful. Gorgeous mountains, flower-sprinkled country side - hey, there's a bear cub! Of course, our cast members are sprawled out and chatting, well below window level. You're missing the view... Noah's kickin' it on the couch and Anne is curled next to him, her head in his lap. She's playing with his hair, and he's letting her. He takes the opportunity to remind her, ""I really like girls."" What is Anne, a hermaphrodite? Over on the other couch, more cuddlin' is going down. Dan and Tara are shoulder to shoulder, nose to nose. Tara asks Dan, ""do you believe there's one perfect person out there for you?"" Can you say, soul mate? Dan is a believer, but he's afraid he'll never find his one-and-only. Dan, if you stick your tongue out you'll bump right into her... The Roadies pull off the main highway, deciding to spend the night at a comfy hotel - why kill ourselves trying to drive to Calgary in o

30 min

Is That a Gun In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Noah is ordering the others around like a general trying to make sure no one gets killed. Anne reminds Noah ""you're not the boss of me"" as Jon threatens to throttle him!? Those rowdy Roadies are off to Regina, Canada to hook up with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. The drive from Calgary isn't so smooth. The highway is fine - no potholes. The trouble is Jon and Noah. They've had just about enough of each other. Noah thinks that Jon just revels in being weird. Flipside, Jon believes that Noah never thinks before he speaks - he ends up hurting everyone's feelings. This tension is clearly compounded by the fact that Jon is dreading the Mounty Mission - ""it's cordial Military silliness"" - while Noah just can't wait to get in there and flash his badge. The Roadies roll into the RCMP compound, which looks like a tidy college campus. Except for those tidy rows of smartly dressed law-enforcement clones. Great hats. The mayor of the mission explains that the Rulers will be training with th

30 min

Roadies on the Trail

Jon's confidence in his own abilities squares and then cubes during a tour of duty with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Our Roadies pile into their roller-home, a bit disappointed to be leaving the marvelous Mounties, but panting to partake of a new mission. Jon takes the wheel as the others take a chill on the couches back yonder. Dan questions Jon: you claim to be athletically uninclined - does that mean sexually too? Jon brings that line of thinking to a screeching halt - no, no, no! Jon explains that he is very coordinated in sex. We're talking Twister Pro. Dan pushes further, ""what muscles do you use during sex?"" Jon says most important is the gluteus maximous - for thrusting. Noah grabs his guitar - that's right, it's song time! Is this the Salvador Dali ROAD RULES or what?! Noah strokes as Dan lets loose with a ditty about Jon's tight shorts that feature his butt and his big semi-truck. Hours of driving land the kiddies in NORTH DAKOTA. Have you ever been there? Me neither

30 min

Go Dan!!!

Anne's fine sense of geometry sniffs out a triangle as the Roadies receive a clue that instructs them to visit Dan's hometown. The impending confrontation between Tara, Dan, and Rachel (Dan's ex-girlfriend), leaves everyone holding their breath. As per usual, Noah is at the wheel of the lovable old Winnie as it hurtles through the golden sunlight towards Minnesota - home of Paul Bunyan and Dan. Tara is smiling and laughing, but she can't completely hide her nervousness. She asks Dan, ""should we show your parents our bed - show them we sleep together?"" Dan surprises everyone when he explains that his father would be upset if Dan were sleeping alone. But Dan privately confesses that he is very apprehensive about Tara and Rachel finally finding each other face to face. Look at that house! It's LEAVE IT TO BEAVER, 1998. Perfectville. Norman Rockwell. Everyone piles out of la Win and Dan leads the way right into the waiting arms of his happy parents. It's hugs for everyone and come on

30 min

Athlete's Foot

Anne must fore go fashion when a sprained ankle forces her to accessorize with a pair of crutches. The Roadies intercept a clue sending them to Platville, home of the Chicago Bears football team. All right, everybody get back and give her some room! Anne is sprawled out on the bed in the Winnie's living room. She's got ice-packs on her ankle and painkillers on her mind. Jon scoots onto the bed, trying to convince Anne that she looks cute. She doesn't feel cute. Jon bends down and gently kisses Anne's bare feet, over and over, while softly stroking her leg. Anne can only cover her eyes - with pleasure or disgust, we can't tell. Noah safely steers his crew to a delightful cabin in the middle of the woods. The little place overlooks a lake and there's a long dock just right for diving - or shoving. As the others swim and hike, Anne parks it on the shore - she's furious that she can't participate. Jon confesses, ""I feel miserable because I know Anne is so sad."" That night, Jon slips int

30 min

Afraid to Love

Dan is precariously perched on the fence that separates Rachel and Tara. Roni fears a slaughter is imminent when the Roadies receive a clue instructing them to ""bring home the bacon."" It's a gorgeous morning, and Tara and Anne are simply sitting on the sidewalk, soaking up some rays. Anne immediately starts to tease her pal, goading Tara to admit that she and Dan have fallen in love. But little T only smiles and giggles. Is that a yes? Everyone piles into the Winnie, and Tara and Noah settle on the couch and slip into a serious discussion. Tara quietly confesses that she felt like an ass while in Rachel's presence. Noah reminds Tara ""it's not your job to protect Rachel - that's Dan's job."" And besides, Noah continues, you shouldn't feel bad, because nothing has ""happened"" between you and Dan. Tara confesses that she and Dan finally kissed - just before arriving in Minneapolis. Perfect timing. The Roadies follow their clue to a feed mill where the proprietors, Barb and Mike, expla

30 min

Blood and Guts

Anne admits she has lost all hope of finding a brilliant, sexy dream man. A dead dummy delivers the next clue to the Roadrats - travel to the Emergency Room at Detroit Receiving Hospital, STAT! This week's show is not for the squeamish. If you get nauseous at the sight of a paper cut, you'd better watch this one from between the fingers of the hands that cover your face. Just when you thought ROAD RULES had reached a plateau of adventure and excess, along comes a mission that materializes as the most challenging ever... Lives are literally hanging in the balance as the Roadies roll through the dilapidated Detroit wasteland at five a.m. They arrive at Detroit Receiving Hospital, where they are immediately introduced to the local staff of residents and the chief of Surgery, DOCTOR D. Your mission? Spend 27 hours on duty as resident doctors. The Roadies fall silent at the intimidating order, but there's no time to consider alternatives (like how do I get out of this one?!) as the Ro

30 min

Fred Astaire You Ain't

Noah's guilt over his hometown honey doesn't keep him from straying. Anne can't keep her groping hands off Doctor Tim. Have you ever seen the show American Bandstand? How about Soul Train? Remember Dance Fever? They're playing that one on cable again right now. All these shows have one thing in common: fabulous, glamorous, glittering dance numbers. This week's episode is nothing like those shows. After bidding Doctor Tim a teary farewell, the Roadies follow their next clue to Ridgeman Street in Toronto. At an imposing nightclub, they are greeted by MICHAEL, who explains the next mission: you have 24 hours to prepare for your performance as go-go dancers. Is that a nervous sweat, or just dance fever? The bootie-shakers-to-be follow Michael on a tour of the vast nightclub. There's a wide stage at one end of the dance floor. That's right, all eyes will be on you. Michael directs the sweet young things to the dressing room where buckets of costumes await their limbs. The Roadies s

30 min

Rat Poison

Noah struggles to be a one-woman man instead of a two-faced cad. The Roadies catch a clue instructing them to 'get the puck out' in Montreal, Canada. When we last left you, Noah was swapping spit with a carnal Canadian cutie named Natasha. Guess what, Road hogs?! She's still on his mind... As sunlight slams through the small window in the Roadies' hostel suite, Noah lifts his guitar from the floor and strums thoughtfully. And now, an announcement!! Mr. N reveals that he can't decide if he's being dishonest with Rebecca (girlfriend) by dating Natasha (pick-up). Now, even a kid knows the right answer to that question. Dan privately admits that he's lost all respect for Naughty Noah. Without waiting for his Road-mates to roar ""do the right thing,"" Noah slips into the hallway and connects with Natasha via pay phone. Loverboy coos into the receiver, ""the hostel suite is very nice, but there's one thing wrong: you're not here."" Oh, brother. Noah, here are a few fresh pickup lines for you

30 min

Picture Imperfect

Noah and Natasha part lips for good when the Roadies receive a clue sending them to Harlem, New York for a challenging photography mission. This week, when we say 'tension develops between cast members,' we really mean it! The Rulers roll into New York City and Roni is nearly bursting with anticipation -- ""we're 15 minutes away from my house!"" Roni confesses she's excited because her cast-mates will finally know the heart and soul of the real Roni when they meet her dance-troupe friends and her mother. The Roadies check into their tidy hostel suite and Anne immediately throws open the window. She leans out into the bustling city and screams, ""I want to rock!"" Excited to be in the Big Apple, Anne? Dan, on the other hand, is not excited. He privately confesses, ""I couldn't live like this every day."" The people! The noise! I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto... The Roadies unpack their bags and climb into the Winnie for a quick ride over to Roni's house. Soon, the Bago is ro

30 min

Ice Castles, Pt. 1

The Roadies receive a clue directing them to compete in the ROAD RULES Olympics in Lake Placid. It's three o'clock, and the Roadies are at the track of the Olympic Stadium, waiting for their mysterious competitors to show themselves. And here they come now! Hey, isn't that Eric from REAL WORLD - NEW YORK? And isn't that Rachel from REAL WORLD - SAN FRANCISCO? And Jon from L.A.? Cynthia from Miami? Sean from Boston? Yes, on all counts. These REAL WORLD superstars make up the cast of the REAL WORLD ALL STARS. Seems the two teams will be competing against each other in four events: the kayak, the luge, the ski jump, and figure skating. The winners receive medals, while the losers clean the Winnie! Unfortunately, Anne has been puking for three days straight, so she's off to the hospital, eliminated from the competition. Now go home and get some sleep, because tomorrow is a full day of practice. Motoring back to the hotel in the Winnie, Noah confesses that he finds Rachel very attract

30 min

Ice Castle, Pt. 2

The Roadies receive a clue directing them to compete in the ROAD RULES Olympics in Lake Placid. It's three o'clock, and the Roadies are at the track of the Olympic Stadium, waiting for their mysterious competitors to show themselves. And here they come now! Hey, isn't that Eric from REAL WORLD - NEW YORK? And isn't that Rachel from REAL WORLD - SAN FRANCISCO? And Jon from L.A.? Cynthia from Miami? Sean from Boston? Yes, on all counts. These REAL WORLD superstars make up the cast of the REAL WORLD ALL STARS. Seems the two teams will be competing against each other in four events: the kayak, the luge, the ski jump, and figure skating. The winners receive medals, while the losers clean the Winnie! Unfortunately, Anne has been puking for three days straight, so she's off to the hospital, eliminated from the competition. Now go home and get some sleep, because tomorrow is a full day of practice. Motoring back to the hotel in the Winnie, Noah confesses that he finds Rachel very attract